I cannot live with myself

As a background, I must mention in the very beginning the nature of my self. I compete. I compete whenever I think I incapable of winning. I stop running the race only when it becomes clear to me that I can win it. I do not complete all my races, but I run till I have convinced myself of my ability to win it.

I remember the times when I could gulp down ten large vodka shots in a matter or minutes and still be stable enough to drive. I did not drive, being the kind of citizen who abides by all laws, meaningless or not; but I was stable enough to do so. Then, why is it so different now? Why can’t my body take even a tenth of what my mind is capable of? Maybe, just maybe, my mind is not capable of it. But I cannot accept it. The day I do, I will kill myself. Why, all of a sudden, have I started losing control over myself so easily? People with weaker constitutions appear stronger now. People who don’t have half my stamina, half my speed, half my desire to control myself, are way ahead of me as far as controlling themselves is concerned.

WHY ?

I don’t have an answer. But I do know that I am running this race. I am running, and I am running fast, and I am running till I either win or drop dead. I cannot live otherwise.

I am sorry.